FNN Fire Nation News Broadcast
by justanotheravatarfan
Summary: A brief satirical treatment on how events in the Avatar world would have been reported if they had happened in our world. I might continue this as an ongoing thing if I get enough response & feedback.
1. Chapter 1

**FNN (Fire Nation News) Evening Broadcast**

**Haku:** Welcome to FNN (Fire Nation news) bringing you tomorrow's news today. Live from Sozun City, the Fire Nation Capitol, I'm Haku –

**Lulu:**_ aggressively interrupts with big, stage-hogging smile_ – and I'm Lulu. Good evening everyone!

In today's news:

Coal prices continue to climb due to shortages caused by political unrest in the Earth Kingdom, where the Fire Nation gets most of its coal. According to recent reports, the insurgency began with a group of captives on a coal-processing ship whose representatives claim that they were being illegally held … _suddenly starts fanning her face_ … oooh, is it getting hot in here? _attempts to continue_ … who got hold of … OUCH! _screams, and then slumps unconscious from her chair_

**Haku: **_glibly smiles and continues_ … The insurgencies reportedly began with a group of dangerous criminals who Fire Lord Ozai, in his infinite mercy, attempted to rehabilitate by inviting them to participate in a public-private partnership. They were provided with a unique opportunity to serve time while continuing to barely support their families by working on a coal-processing ship just outside of a harbor in the Earth Kingdom. Yet the intransigent rebels responded to the Fire Lord's generosity by stealing coal from the hold and using their illegal earth bending skills to turn it against their kind hosts and employers on the ship.

_a disheveled, red-faced Lulu with charred hair emerges from beneath the news desk_

And that's no Fire Lord propaganda, is it Lulu?

**Lulu: **_shakily_ Ha ha ha! Heck, NO! You're such a clown, Haku!

Also in today's news, Fire Lord Ozai issued a statement regarding the insurgents in the Earth Kingdom while clearing away brush on his ranch. Even during his vacations, the Fire Lord is always hard at work!

_She motions towards the video screen behind her, and an image of a hale and hearty Fire Lord Ozai appears, hacking away at brush and tree branches with a machete._

**Fire Lord Ozai: **As the world's only superpower, we cannot afford to hide our light beneath a bushel of coal. Instead, we need to show that we are not afraid of these infidels who choose to worship the Avatar instead of worshipping Me. We need to set shining example to the world by showing no fear and continuing to consume obscene amounts of coal. To promote patriotism, I am personally issuing tax breaks to rich people who can afford to purchase and maintain their own trains and railways. The larger, heavier and more coal-guzzling, the better. For those of my people who have the temerity to be unable to afford their own trains and railways, I will issue vouchers and tax breaks for larger and more inefficient coal-powered stoves.

**Haku: **Thanks, Fire Lord! Since we have a commercial break coming up, I'll start looking for a larger, less efficient, coal-guzzling stove right away!

**Lulu: **And, coming next: **_Fit at Fifty_ **– svelte and fabulous Admiral Zhao reveals his fitness secrets; **_Home Safety_** – what to do if some seemingly sweet, innocent, 12-year-old kid appears on your doorstep claiming to be the Avatar; tomorrow's **_Weather_** – look forward to a carefree, sunny weekend, despite the skull-shaped clouds reported by that sensationalist, media-hog fortune teller from the Earth Kingdom!; and … **_Personal Finance_** – an expert explains how to prepare for when you lose your job to cheap prison labor overseas in the Earth Kingdom.


	2. Chapter 2

**FNN (Fire Nation News) Evening Broadcast**

**Haku **smiles broadly, as a spark flashes from his impossibly white teeth, and announces, "Good evening and welcome to Fire Nation News, bringing you tomorrow's news today. I'm Haku, and this is my co-anchor, Lulu."

**Lulu **grins, thereby exposing an impenetrable fortress of gleaming white teeth of her own, and says, "Thank you, Haku. In today's news, Xirxiu-owners from all over the Fire Nation gather around the Palace of the Fire Lord to protest proposed legislation for the banning of xirxius in residential neighborhoods."

An image of a large crowd of people mounted on large, furry animals that look like giant ant eaters with sensitive snouts and long tails carrying protest signs with a tall castle in the background appears on the large screen behind her.

**Haku **continues, "For those of you unfamiliar with this type of pet, a xirxiu (pronounced _shir_-shu) is a large, fur-covered mammal bred to track down humans and animals by scent, and can immobilize you for up to an hour with a mere flick of its long, red tongue."

The camera cuts over to **Lulu **who appears to be thoughtfully perusing a Very Important Pile of Papers. She looks up, turns to Haku, and chuckles, "Some folks have interesting tastes in pets – I wonder what their monthly pet food bills look like, ha ha ha!"

**Haku **laughs with her, "Ha ha ha, I'm sure they're not trivial!" and then re-arranges his face into the somber but friendly contours appropriate to an authoritative but likeable news anchor.

**Haku **continues, "In the past, xirxius have been associated with inner cities and the more shady elements of our society, like opium dealers and bounty hunters. But the recent popularity of rap and hip-hop music has brought them into the main stream, and now suburban kids all over the country keep pestering their parents for a xirxiu of their own."

**Lulu** adds, "So are xirxius really such a terrible threat? That's up for debate. Up next, General Xhao explains why he supports the proposed ban on xirxius, and a young woman movingly describes her devotion to her pet. But first, let's pause for a commercial break."

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

Camera slowly pans in on a young woman in drab, coarsely-woven, baggy, brown dress sits on a rustic wooden stool with her elbows on her knees and her head resting wearily between her hands in an otherwise-empty hut, and finally comes to rest in a close-up on the girl's plain, but potentially pretty, face.

A voice-over gravely queries over the sad strains of cello music, "Feeling sad? Depressed? Does life feel meaningless?"

A spirited drum-beat begins and a lively guitar melody joins in, as the announcer suggests in the elated tone of one who has just discovered something worthy of a Novel Prize: **"Maybe you just need more STUFF!"**

Suddenly the girl's face becomes animated with delight, as she is transported towards the entrance of an enormous department store.

The voice-over continues with cheerful reassurance, "Here at **Big Box Mart**, we have all the STUFF you could possibly want, and more!"

A video montage of rapid-sequence scenes narrates the girl's transformation from drab, depressed drone to lovely fashion vixen as she ebulliently tries on clothes, make-up, accessories, and shoes while indiscriminately filling up her cavernous shopping cart.

We return to the girl's formerly empty hut, which is now fully furnished and stylishly decorated.

The voice-over enthusiastically declares, "And our STUFF is so fabulous and so affordable that you'll keep coming back for MORE STUFF!"

The rapid-sequence video montage resumes, and the background music becomes more frantic. The girl returns to the store and fills her cart again … and again … and again. Soon her hut becomes hopelessly cluttered. The girl returns to the store one more time and purchases a single item – _Living Really Simple _magazine. Then we see her outside of her hut, hosting a huge yard sale.

In the final scene, the girl is once again sitting on her rustic stool in her drab, coarsely-woven, baggy dress with her elbows on her knees and her face resting between her hands. But now, the girl is smiling.

The camera pans out as the announcer intones, "**Big Box Mart** – We have all the **STUFF** you need … and THEN some."

**END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK**

The camera focuses in on the news room and closes in on Haku and Lulu.

**Lulu** looks up, smiles at the audience, and then turns towards Haku and says, "Boy, that sure makes me want to go shopping! Ha ha ha. How about you, Haku?"

**Haku **chuckles and replies, "Ha ha ha. Now that you mention it, I DO need some tools for that home improvement project I've been planning … but, first, I'll need to refinance my house again! Ha ha ha."

**Lulu **laughs and responds, "Hee hee hee, you're so funny, Haku. But you'd better do your re-fi quickly while interest rates are still low, since Fire Lord Ozai keeps going on about raising rates to contain inflation!"

**Haku **snaps back, "I'm on it, Lulu. And now, here's Admiral Zhao with his take on the proposed xirxiu-banning legislation."

**Admiral Zhao** appears on the screen behind them, as fan girls in the audience shriek ecstatically, and declares, "Greetings, Lulu and Haku … and ladies in the audience. I support the proposed legislation because xirxius are a threat to law and order here in the Fire Nation. Over 500 xirxiu-related deaths have been reported this year alone, and we're still only into the last weeks of winter. Besides, if anyone's going to randomly kill people, I should be the one doing it. Ha ha. Just kidding. As far as I'm concerned, xirxius are the greatest challenge to law and order that we face other than the Avatar and his followers. Individual owners claim that their pets are harmless, but the fact is that these creatures are bred to hunt people down and stun them so their owners can do what they will to their quarry. And that's not acceptable. Hunting people down and punishing them should be the prerogative of the Fire Lord and his servants alone!"

**Lulu **responds, "Thank you, Admiral Zhao," and then pauses to allow time for the fan girls in the audience to finish screaming and flinging roses, jewels, underwear and various other offerings towards the Admiral's image on the screen.

Haku takes up the slack and declares, "And now we have a compelling argument from a particularly persuasive gal who happens to own one of these controversial creatures." 

A beautiful woman clad in leather with a spiral tattoo on her shoulder, with long brunette tresses gathered by a skull-shaped hair ornament, full blackberry lips, and mournful, kohl-rimmed eyes appears on the screen alongside her grisly pet, whom she strokes affectionately.

The male members of the studio audience behold the woman and literally go ape as they begin rhythmically chanting, "Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh."

**Haku **stands up and raises his hands as he waits for the noise to die down. Then, he faces the audience and announces, "This is Jun, a devoted xirxiu owner. And here's what she has to say."

**Jun **turns a contemptuous face towards the audience, and impatiently snaps, "Okay, if you're interested in anything beyond my views on xirxius, then meet me out back after the news broadcast. If you can beat me at arm-wrestling, then MAYBE we can talk. Otherwise, I'll just take your money and toss you aside"

Then, she smiles towards the camera, and says, "And back to the subject at hand … First of all, like most folks who love and live with xirxius, I do not consider myself to be an "owner" of my xirxiu, I think of myself as a "guardian." These unique and wonderful creatures cannot be "owned" by anyone. People say that xirxius are deadly, but they're misinformed. It's all in the way you raise them. My xirxiu is well-loved and tenderly-raised, and wouldn't harm a fly … unless that fly happens to be threatening me. He _is_ very devoted to me and won't let anyone hurt me…" She raises her sloe-black eyes towards the camera, and flutters her eyelashes, "… I mean, it's hard, being a defenseless single girl in a tough neighborhood. But he's sensitive, intelligent, loving, and protective … unlike most MEN I've known … and he's the best friend I've ever had in this rough world. I don't know what I'd do without him."

A tear rolls delicately along Jun's cheekbone, as she leans forward to catch it – thereby revealing a bit of cleavage – and then looks up towards the audience with moist, tear-sparkled eyes, and cries out, "Please beg the Fire Lord – as I am doing – not to deprive girls like me of our beloved companions. Family values and self-defense are the cornerstones of the Fire Nation, and are what make us superior to other nations. Remember this when you vote in the fixed elections next week."

**Lulu **wipes tears from her eyes, sniffles, and responds, "Thank you, Jun. As a woman living alone in the big city, I do understand where you're coming from."

The women in the audience weep and wail, while the men resume chanting, "Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. "

**Jun **softlyreplies, "Thank you, Lulu, I knew you'd understand."

**Haku **cuts in, and declares, "I hate to interrupt this intensely emotional moment, but it's time for another commercial break.

Next up: **_Exclusive interview with a Rebel Insurgent: _**A talk with Bato from the former Southern Water Tribe about why he continues to fight even though there's no hope for him or his pathetic fellow water peasants, and his brief encounter with the Avatar; **_Health and Living Longer: _**A renowned herbalist from the Earth Kingdom and her cat, Maiyuki, provide tips on how to live a long and healthy life (HINT: it helps to give up on conventional notions of sanity); and **_Sports: _**The Yu-Yan archers prepare for the Summer Olympic trials An inside look.


End file.
